Last Soul Searching of 2006....

The last couple of months or so I've come to some big conclusions about myself. Like pieces of a puzzle, things have been clicking into their proper places. Two things stand out among the many faults I've accumulated over the years: my deference to other people's opinion of me and the waiting for everything to be just right before I embark on any creative endeavour. Actually waking up to these facts and not walking around them anymore has been liberating. And scary. I keep reminding myself one step at a time, sister - no more, no less required When I was a kid we moved a lot. A LOT, a lot. My Dad's work took us thither and yon and well, back again.* In a lot of ways it was an amazing way to grow up. I was exposed to different cultures and new experiences and I had to learn at a very young age to adapt to an ever changing landscape. I don't regret those things at all. Sure sometimes it was sad to leave a place I felt settled and face making new friends and learning new lingos, but in the end I think I have actually benefitted - the pro's far outweighing the con's. That being said, there are a few blips I've had to consciously choose not only to work through but to recognize as negative influences on the way I live my life. Being the new kid at school had it's ups and downs. My grade 4 year was, by far, the least positive experience of my life. I moved back to a school I'd attended for Kindergarten sometime in the spring of that year. The kids in my class took an instant dislike to me - for whatever reason kids that age decide to hate with such conviction. My life was made miserable every moment of every day. All I could do was hold myself together until my key slide into the lock of my front door at the end of each day. My parents and I were waiting it out. Things had to get better. Things usually got better. But then? Then I wrote a speech - a speech that ended up winning a medal and more hatred than I could have ever imagined. Because it was a good speech. Because I delivered it well, in front of a gym full of peers and teachers. And you know, I wanted to die when I won. I wanted them to give that medal to anyone but me. The first real encouragement and accomplishment I'd ever really recieved was for writing and I was afraid what it would mean in the classroom, in the school yard, on the bus. I hide my medal in my backpack that day. I rode the bus home with barely concealled tears. I knew what success meant and it wasn't good. I wished I hadn't written that speech, hadn't delivered it. I wished I hadn't tried. Did you get that? Grade 4 and the price of succeeding was too much to bear. Don't try. Don't dream. Don't dare. Too painful. Too much. The sting of that one just wrapped itself around the the last two and a half decades to bite me in the ass. It hurts to know how much I've stiffled in the last twenty-some years. It hurts to know that I have squashed my own ambitions. It hurts to know how much I've been resisting what's inside. As 2006 draws to an end I can't help but be grateful for last few nuggets of truth that I've uncovered in the past week. I realized that I have been stuck in survival mode for, well, most of my life. All the moving and adapting and hang in there - this is just a stage stuff had an impact. When the chips are down, when the last boat sails, when the going gets tough I know how to how to bluff it, tough it and stuff it, 'cause baby? I WILL survive. And that's a good thing, really. But I'm not a kid moving around from place to place every 18 months or so - I've been here in this town for 6 years now. I think I can stop surviving. Wait. I know I HAVE to stop surviving. I need to thrive. I need to flourish. It's taken me almost 36 years to recognize that I'm stuck with the 'sink or swim' button on. So number 1: I'm consciously choosing to turn that switch off. And as for number 2? The words echoing around my head from that grade 4 year who do you think you are? need to be answered with anything but nobody from now on. If I have been afraid of failure then I have been even more terrified of success. As ridiculous as that sounds. For the record? Nobody doesn't live here anymore. *IN NO WAY am I saying any of this to point any amount of blame at my parents for transient and exciting life we lived. The negative factors that have blocked my way happened in spite of their best efforts not because of them. And despite the adventure and upheaval of moving so much, my parents always provided a stable secure home wherever we landed and for that I'm truly grateful and indebted.