Yesterday...

So. Yesterday was a spectacular example of how things work in the world of Michelle. I'm sure what I'm about to divulge would mortify mere mortals into quite possibly never leaving their house again. OH but not I. You see, I'm used to it. What's more, I've decided it's my birthright - the stories my aunties could tell you! I'm not going to over dramatize this, I'm just going to give you the straight run down of how my day shaped up. - Tuesday morning mom's bible study. Last week one of the leaders asked me to cover her table for her. I can't recall if this was before or after I dropped the words 'crotchless panties' at the table, but I'm thinking it was after, because everyone except my friend Sherri-Ann blanched visibly. I swear it was contextual to the conversation at hand. Really it was. - Embarrassed serveral ladies by using grafic hand demonstration of doctor checking cervix during labour. Sorry, I talk with my hands, even when I'm on the phone. It's involuntary. - While hunched over my study book, I failed to stiffle a yawn so big that my gum fell out of my mouth. There were witnesses. - Pilfered the lovely Amy's keys off the table and into my purse in a moment of peri-Alzhiemer's. Took them home with me only to have to load up Finn and return to the church 20 minutes later. I don't have any explanation as to how this happened. Pretty keys. Must. Have. - Ran into friend Courtney in Walmart and talked for 10 minutes while Finn pawed, growled, licked, and nipped at my coat like a good puppy. Then he ran around me in circles until he banged into a ladies cart and knocked himself down. The lady was mortified, apologized and inquired after Finn's health, to which I responded 'Is he bleeding? Did he pass out? S'all good.' I think I could muster more concern if hitting his head on hard objects - like the floor, for instance - weren't a daily occurence. - Endured the gong show that is picking up Ethan from school. Picture two squirrels with their tails on fire running amuck in a crowded and confined space. Yeah. Might I mention that said squirrels are deaf to the sound of their mother's voice? Screaming at them is USELESS. Confessed to bewildered teacher that I've seriously considered getting them fitted with 'invisible fence' dog collars so that I could just zap them when the get too far away. That way I could just let people assume that they were having minor seizures instead of thinking that they were poorly disciplined. Win-win, don't you think? - Had to explain to Ethan why I was not going to be persuaded to cut his hair really short just in the front so that there was no hair on his forhead because this look - hair longer all around and shaved at the forehead - is just not a look people go for. 'Yes people do!' he exclaimed, 'Bapak (Grandpa D) has his hair cut like that!' 'Yes Ethan, it's called a receding hairline. Trust me, Bapak didn't do that on purpose.' Poor kid thinks male pattern baldness is a fashion trend. - Had to explain to Finny that his penis is not a toy. Big thanks to Grandpa H for teaching him how to properly use the flap in his undies. He has now discovered the only toy I can't take away from him. Way to go. - Had to explain to Ethan why punching his brother in the crotch was wrong on so many levels. First, and probably most importantly, WE DON'T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE ON THEIR PRIVATE PARTS. End of discussion. Second, punching your brother in the crotchular area is not the most affective way to get an erect penis to go down. - Went to my sistalah meeting and exclaimed "Hey you should read this! There is some really good stuff in here." while holding THE BIBLE. Perfection. On a completely different note. I've decided that I'm going to start responding 'STILL POOPING' to people who ask me how I'm doing. It's more memorable than the usual response of 'fine' and it's a more accurate assement of how you really are than, say, some of the other things people say. 'Still kicking'? Well and good but answer this: Is kicking a necessity? Exactly. 'How you doin'?' "STILL POOPIN'!' Nice.