Post 130...

There are days when I wish my life were less complicated. I wish for things to seem clearer and less convoluted. There are days when I wish that I wasn't someones wife and mother. That sounds harsh. The words look stark and sad when I write them. They don't convey what I really feel. They don't explain that this job, this role is exhausting on every possible level. They don't project the anguish I feel when I think of their future and wonder if I'm doing everything - absolutely everything - they need to thrive and not just survive. They don't explain what I really mean. They don't explain that my greatest fear is that I might fail in the areas that are most important to me. These words seem selfish and single minded. They seem cold. I've never been one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mother. I didn't long for a husband and kids. I hear women say that and I can't relate. I wasn't sure. And yet, I found a husband in whom I have a mate, a match and a friend. My kids are gifts I didn't even know I wanted and yet God, in his infinite mercy, saw fit to bless me - beyond any measure of wisdom I might have needed to wish for them myself. Last summer, someone who I barely knew, said that they were envious of my life - of my kids, my family, my marriage. They said, to be exact, I'd give anything to have what you have. I was shocked. I asked Why? And this person, who hardly knew me at all said that it was the way my face lit up whenever I talked about my family that made them want what I have. And all I could think was I've become George Bailey! How can these emotions co-exist. How can I feel burdened and blessed all in the same moment. My greatest treasures are the things I often take most for granted. The things I feel the weight of the most heavily are what I live and breath for everyday. I don't need a 'Clarence' in my life to see that I am blessed. I don't need to imagine what the world would be like without me to know that I am more than the sum of all my parts. I know what I have and I'm wise enough to be thankful for it, even on days when I fleetingly wish for a simpler existence.