The Fabricated Goddess

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Post 130...

There are days when I wish my life were less complicated. I wish for things to seem clearer and less convoluted. There are days when I wish that I wasn't someones wife and mother. That sounds harsh. The words look stark and sad when I write them. They don't convey what I really feel. They don't explain that this job, this role is exhausting on every possible level. They don't project the anguish I feel when I think of their future and wonder if I'm doing everything - absolutely everything - they need to thrive and not just survive. They don't explain what I really mean. They don't explain that my greatest fear is that I might fail in the areas that are most important to me. These words seem selfish and single minded. They seem cold. I've never been one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mother. I didn't long for a husband and kids. I hear women say that and I can't relate. I wasn't sure. And yet, I found a husband in whom I have a mate, a match and a friend. My kids are gifts I didn't even know I wanted and yet God, in his infinite mercy, saw fit to bless me - beyond any measure of wisdom I might have needed to wish for them myself. Last summer, someone who I barely knew, said that they were envious of my life - of my kids, my family, my marriage. They said, to be exact, I'd give anything to have what you have. I was shocked. I asked Why? And this person, who hardly knew me at all said that it was the way my face lit up whenever I talked about my family that made them want what I have. And all I could think was I've become George Bailey! How can these emotions co-exist. How can I feel burdened and blessed all in the same moment. My greatest treasures are the things I often take most for granted. The things I feel the weight of the most heavily are what I live and breath for everyday. I don't need a 'Clarence' in my life to see that I am blessed. I don't need to imagine what the world would be like without me to know that I am more than the sum of all my parts. I know what I have and I'm wise enough to be thankful for it, even on days when I fleetingly wish for a simpler existence.

2 Comments:

  • I get it. I have felt those exact things and was also one who could not imagine being a mom. I think you are very good at being a mom, wife, friend. Your depth is incredible and I love how you word the things you feel and see. I think you are just starting to unleash more of the beauty that you have had in you all along. You are more than what you do and say. Bless you as you discover new things. You show courage when you are honest and it is refreshing to those around you. You are not afraid to look at things that are hard and think outside the 'box'. Your contemplation brings revelation and causes one pause in life. All you can do is one thing at a time and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. What more can be expected, even from yourself. I love you and am blessed by you.
    lamby.

    By Blogger lambsalot, at 11/30/2006 11:33:00 AM  

  • Thank you for writing this and sharing it (just found you on the Randomizer). What a beautiful reminder of what it is to be a wife and mother. I need to think more about the warmth and love at the end of the day and less about the battles, the quarrels and the tears.

    By Blogger jakelliesmom, at 11/30/2006 06:11:00 PM  

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