The Fabricated Goddess

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Zephie's Spark...

My friend Zephie, of Broken Saint's Fan Forum and Wordslingers fame posted a great idea on the BS forum this week - I'm not even going to paraphrase it, it's perfect just the way it is. "Think of one happy moment in your life. Capture that image, that thought, that feeling in your mind – put the memory in a picture frame and look at it. Remember what it meant to you back then. Try to think of why you picked this moment now, try to put into words what it is about this particular flash of time that makes you never want to forget it. Don’t think about what words to make it come across as pretty as you could make them – don’t try to flower it up with long abstract words that mean nothing to you. Write it down. Write it all down in your own words that free that essence of feeling, that which floats around in your head as you think back upon this one moment, which spills out when you press the pause button on your conscience and let the white static send forth its message. Keep this writing somewhere safe. Keep it in a little box, on your nightstand, right beside your bed, or up on a shelf, next to your books. Keep it in your wallet, carrying it with you everywhere, or place it between the pages of your private journal, away from unseeing eyes. Do this once, every morning or every evening or every few days. Build a collection of memories, written down not to be forgotten. It doesn’t matter how big a memory, or when it happened – just that they are happy, and they are there, in ink on paper. And when you feel down, or lonely, or like the world is falling apart around you – reach for those scraps of paper, fold them open one by one and read. Remember the feeling. Remember that nothing is lost, as long as you have this – these memories, these experiences, these things that meant so much to you then and have brought you where you are now. Remember that you are not nothing and that life is never empty if you can trace back time and remember the good things. That life is never useless nor a trap if you can still feel that quiet longing in your heart, to create more of these memories to look back upon in harder times. The creation of anything starts with the desire to create – and Life? Life is only what you make of it. Never lose that desire, that spark, that drive to create your own. And remember that every artist – and in Life, we are all artists in our own way – is their own worst critic. You need only ask for a second opinion from a close friend, a loved one, to see your work, your life, maybe isn’t so deserving of criticism at all." Something about this resonated in me. It's been percolating all weekend. I love the idea of capturing happy memories with words - mental snapshots that you can visit and revisit and remember the essense of that memory. After Finn was born I had a horrible six months of post partum anxiety/depression that threatened to swallow me whole. I remember thinking I'm never going to feel joy again! And in all honesty, it scared the shit out of me to think of going through my life being not being able to take pleasure out of even the simplest things. And then, one day, it started to subside - the panic and anxiety started to fade. I remember looking at my kids playing with Erin and feeling that warm glow of love for them all. I was so grateful. In the aftermath of that episode, I have often been gripped by a kind of dread - wanting to capture happy moments in my heart and store them up in case of future (God forbid) famine. Thank you Z, for putting this out there. Clever girl. I'm going to toss these out for a while and see where they take me. In keeping with how I read Zephie's idea, I'm just going to free flow them and not try to be too fancy with them. So. This is me, moving forward. One puzzle piece at a time. #1 there's nothing specially special about today it's just a day like every other day and yet i see you with new eyes, right now - in this moment - you are new to me all over again. you are watching your father you are listening intent on his words and there is something about the curve of your cheek the slight wave of your hair the memory of dimples on your hand. and i want to freeze this moment, remember you like this forever. and later on when i'm tucking in bed and i ask you if there is anything you would like to pray for, you shut your eyes tight and you pray 'jesusgod thank you for my mama and i love her' i want to laugh and cry all at once. and i know that everything will be alright. and i know that even if i never create anything again i will be satisfied to remember that i had a hand in creating you.

2 Comments:

  • Dearest child: If ever I have read anything that moved me this is it. You keep freeflow writing. It enables you. Love Mum

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/20/2006 09:46:00 AM  

  • Happy Belated Birthday, you beautiful and transcendent being!!!!

    In my thoughts and prayers always...and a day :)

    xoxo

    b

    By Blogger brokensaints, at 2/28/2006 03:10:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home